{dear} sarah… | Phoenix Child Photographer | Sandi Bradshaw |
Today is your birthday…and I have been thinking of you almost constantly since last night. Although we’ve never met, your life has significantly impacted my own. Today…your birthday…I watched your son swim with his children…your grandchildren. I watched him laugh with them…play with them…love them. And I asked myself lots of questions…questions that I may never know the answers to. I don’t pretend to understand the decision you made 27 years ago…if I try I get angry…so instead I just tell myself that you did it because you had to…but, I know that’s not really the truth…I’m not even sure the truth matters…27 years later.
I sat at my computer last night finishing up editing a beautiful wedding…the house was silent except for the music…and as my playlist ran on and on…I grew more and more reflective about what matters in life. Sacrifices we make…sacrifices of ourselves…sacrifices for ourselves…life is full of all kinds of sacrifices. I thought of my children and the sacrifices that I’ve made for them…as well as the ways that I’ve sacrificed for myself…and I visited my regrets…and I do have them. I wish I didn’t.
The playlist ran on and on…“I’ve got a good mother, and her voice is what keeps me here…feet on ground, heart in hand, facing forward…be yourself…I’ve never wanted anything…I’ve got a good father…and his strength is what makes me cry…feet on ground, heart in hand, facing forward…be yourself…I’ve never wanted anything…” I wish that T had the same kind of childhood that I had…stable, secure, sacrificed for…I don’t pretend to understand. But, I do know that he is a man who is uniquely aware of what matters in life. I wish you had known what mattered. For his sake. For C & S’s sakes. Maybe you did know…maybe sacrificing of yourself was just too complicated…I don’t pretend to understand.
And, the playlist ran on and on…“Give me these moments…back. Give them back…to me. All the things we should have said, that we never said. All the things we should have done that we never did. All the things that you needed from me. All the things that you wanted for me…make it go away…just make it go away.” Surely your life has been filled to overflowing with the crushing weight of regret. Surely? I don’t pretend to understand. But, I do know that it won’t ever go away. I wonder if the things that we regret sacrificing for ourselves ever really do.
You have 14 grandchildren…I wish you knew them. But, when you left your children’s bags on the doorstep of your home, and sent their step-father to say goodbye on your behalf, you sacrificed the very thing that matters most in life. Yet…I’m ever so thankful that T learned it along the way in spite of what wasn’t sacrificed for him. Somehow, he got it right anyway. And the playlist ran on and on…”Sing Alleluia, sing alleluia, praise the Father above…sing alleluia…sing alleluia…for His infinite love…sing alleluia…”
Happy Birthday Sarah. We celebrated today.
‘Til Next Time,
S
Heidi Welshans wrote: Sandi, These are the very best kinds of pictures to take and to spend time on. Clients are forgotten, but these precious moments never will be, now that you've taken the time to capture them in this way. Sacrifices... not always. Congratulations on a day of celebrating, for finding good in the bad. These are absolutely beautiful, some of my favorites of your work that I've seen. Heidi (05/30/09, 8:26 am)
Laurie Lozano wrote: OMG Sandi, I just read this post and cried. It is so sad, and so touching, and so eloquently written. It breaks my heart. The images that go along with it are beautiful too. I just dont know what to say. In spite of what happened 27 years ago, it appears your husband overcame that huge challenge in his life and grew into a strong and loving man. You have a beautiful family and I know you cherish them all deeply. ....I'm still in tears over your post. :( (05/30/09, 8:40 am)
Audra Buchanan wrote: Its amazing what you shared here. I could basically write the same thing for my husband. Life on earth can be very sad! Your husband must be an amazing person and I pray he only finds his worth in our heavenly father... She has missed out on 14 blessings and that is not even counting her own children and YOU! (05/30/09, 9:04 am)
Heather Caudill wrote: Sandi- Your post so moved me. Although my scenario is a bit different, my father left me 24 years ago (I was 15) by suicide. The sentiments you wrote spoke to me. I think of what he has missed not knowing my husband or my children. My husband (who has a very present mother and father and has never suffered a great loss) can not relate, he tries to comfort me, but I know he feels helpless to ease the pain of my loss. Your phrase, "I don't pretend to understand" was so profound to me, because I am now 38 and my father was 37 when he passed. "I don't pretend to understand" how he could leave his family, how I could ever leave mine. Thank you for your honestly and for such a touching post. You have reached across the miles with your art, but also with your heart. Thank you! Heather-Charlotte, NC (05/30/09, 10:00 am)
ally wrote: What a touching emotion filled post. I think we can all learn from each other through our mistakes and achievements. Thank you for sharing, it has brought me to see my family and myself (as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, aunt and friend) in a new light. (05/30/09, 10:03 am)
Johanna wrote: Today (next day) is MY birthday and when I read this post I cried. (Thanks for that Sandi!) My kids greeted me with hugs, kisses and hand-drawn birthday cards. Being without them would be like being without air. Cannot imagine choosing to be without air. Nothing can change the past, but we can learn from it. Our history, however painful, makes us what we are today and, if for nothing else, for that you can be grateful that this person chose to do what she did. Your children and family are beautiful, your images lovely as always. Thank you for sharing Sandi. (05/30/09, 10:38 am)
Moria Zuriel wrote: Oh my. I don't know you and only just started following your blog... The images are amazing, as always. Just looking at those make my heart smile. But your words.... Oh, my heart aches. Tears. I'm so thankful to our Heavenly Father that He stepped in and provided a way for your husband to escape what was put on him. What a legacy! I too grew up in a not so great household, though my parents didn't leave us (although sometimes I longed that they would). Now that I am a parent myself, I find myself pondering HOW.... HOW could they possibly have done us the way they did. The love in my heart... the indescribable emotion .... how I feel about those precious souls... what I would do for them.... what I don't do for them... Praise God the cycle stopped and your precious children will never know that pain. (05/30/09, 12:01 pm)
Shuva Rahim wrote: Wow, Sandi! That is so beautifully written. I'm glad you are blessed with such a happy family, and you are able to mark sadness with such joyous moments. (05/31/09, 8:28 pm)
jean smith wrote: i like what heidi wrote (i don't know her, just liked her comment). well said and i just had to say that i love how bright, fresh, and colorful your images are. awesome! (06/01/09, 4:07 am)
tricia dunlap wrote: sandi, you have such a gift of expressing yourself in photos and words. i can't wait to meet you in august at the workshop! (06/04/09, 10:00 am)
Sandi - Treasure the Time wrote: Ohhhh goodness! You are all so sweet to take the time to respond to my "personal" post. Thank you all for your sweet words and in several cases...your empathy. My husband has come out on the other side of what life dealt him as such a great dad with such a healthy outlook on life. It's amazing...and a good reminder to me that our pasts don't have to define us. Thanks again for all of your sweet sentiments! It means a lot to me to hear from my blog readers...so thanks for that! And...Heather and Moria...I'm sorry that you've experienced something similar. :o( I hope that it's made you stronger and better parents! :o) Blessings ya'll! (06/05/09, 3:55 pm)
Stacy F wrote: Sandi, your blog posting was by far the most poignant "letter" I have read. As a therapist I have learned to not judge. It is impossible for any one of us to know what experiences an individual endures that leads them to make the choices they make. As a mother it is impossible to NOT feel the hurt and sadness these children must have experienced. The blessing in this is that our present life is not dictated by our history. Your husband has defined who he is as a father and it is clear in no way does it resemble his own childhood. Praises to him for rising above! (BTW, when I met him it was clear his love and devotion to you. What a true man!!) (06/08/09, 8:10 pm)